Mi novia rusa (I)

13 septiembre, 2010

Hace unos días me llegó un mail en inglés que decía lo siguiente:

Hi,Tomas !
I am in search serious relations, I the magnificent and assured girl and me 28 years old and I one.
You are handsome man and I want to hear from you.
I also send photo for you . See you,

Por algún extraño motivo, esta chica había visto mi foto. Y por algún motivo más extraño aún, le había parecido atractivo. Así que le contesté. (Todos los correos son en inglés. Por favor, tened piedad si veis algún error garrafal).

Hi, Jolynn!
How is it possible that you have seen a photo of me? Was it in cachoperra.com ?
I would like to know a little bit more about you..

Horas después, la extraña admiradora contestaba.

Thanks for the answer!
My real name Julia, mine email adress on hotmail has been broken also I write to you with my new email adress
I am very glad will get acquainted with you! We do not know each other,
but I would like to get acquainted with you very much! I never wrote letters before and it is very interesting to me!
I search for the friend for correspondence and I hope, that I shall interest you.
I am 28 years old girl. I am serious and clever person not looking at my young age.)
For me there is no problem, that we not coevals, and you? Men of your age always were more interesting to me.
I write from city Klin, it approximately in 100 km from Moscow
The Internet is an excellent opportunity to have the friend on correspondence even on such big distance.
I shall be very glad, if we become friends!
I can speak in Russian and English. I studied English at school and long time improved it independently.
Certainly I can write and speak not ideally and sometimes I make mistakes, but I try very much.
I always wanted to find the friend on correspondence.
I think that to write letters each other very interestingly and I can improve my english.) I have made some photo for you.
I hope, you like it?
A little about me. I am young, cheerful and beautiful girl. I was never married.
I very kind and love children, but I have no them. I am single now.
I was always very serious in relations and did not hasten to create family.
I search for the friend first of all. I do not know what waits for me in the future, but I am open for all new.
I live one in my apartment in Klin. I am completely pleased with my life.
I can even tell, that in my life there is almost all. I have good work and best friends.
I do not have time for boredom, because I very active and cheerful.
The only thing that at me is not present now it is the person, which will fill my life with bright paints.
I dream only of happiness and love.
I hope, that you the serious person and is open for dialogue. I would not like to waste time on games.
I shall wait your following letter to continue our acquaintance. If you have photo, please send me it.
I shall be very glad!
Have good day and excellent mood

Si me dice su verdadero nombre, claramente, se trata de alguien de fiar. Ahí me conquistó definitivamente. Así que respondí ipso facto.

Hi, Julia!
What happened to your hotmail account? If you give me your user name and password, I can fix it…
I am very excited that this is the first time you write letters. It would have been more difficult to understand you if you only wrote numbers. Ha, ha, ha. As you can see, I am a very funny person.
I will tell you a little bit about me. My real name is Lucio Etxebarría, I am 55 years old and I am divorced. I used to be married, but, all of a sudden, she realised that being my sister was not ethical. We lived in a very small town, and people like to gossip.
I work as a teacher of deaf kids, I can talk the signal language. So, I am very skillful with my hands ;) It’s a funny job, because you can teach the kids funny words. As they don’t listen themselves, they don’t know what they are saying, haha. Last week, I taught them to say “seguro que eres un tío”, which in English means something similar to: “I like smoking”. You should see their parents face! Ha ha.
I live in a small town called “Pedazo de Furcia”. You should visit it some day!

Would you like some pictures of me? If so, just ask me!

Hope to hear soon from you.

Al día siguiente, mi amada respondía con su habitual labia.

Good day my friend Lucio!
I am happy to see your new letter very much!
What new at you? How there is your day?
I am on work now. Internet of my house has broken, therefore I shall write the letter on my work some time.
Now a small break and I can write some lines to my friend!)
I with the great pleasure continue to write to you about myself!
I was born on october 28, now to me 28 years old.
It is possible to tell, that I have typical European appearance. I have light hair from a birth.
I very kind, clever and interesting person. I very active and cheerful.)
I work as the the librarian
I very much love sports and I try to have good health and body.
I am fond aerobics and dances. They are my favorites hobby.
I cannot tell that my life differs from a life of other Russian people, but I try to make it interesting.
I do not have such harmful habits as smoking and the use of alcohol. Now many women have such bad habits, but it is inadmissible for me.
I try cares of my health very much. I like to waste time with friends and to have good rest.
We can go at cinema or walk together! In Klin many good places for rest and entertainments.
I like to skate on ice and to ski.
Unfortunately the winter already has ended, but in a hall for hockey it is possible to skate on ice all year!
I wait warmly and summer very much! I like to have rest outside of city in the summer.
I love the nature and picnic very much!
I love music and cinema! I do not have special favorites, because it depends on my mood more.
Most of all I listen radio. Please tell to me more about yourself? All is interesting to me!
What else to tell to you) I love home affairs very much.
I think that each woman should be able prepare well and cares of the house. I live one already long time.
I always dreamed have a dog, but still have not dared to receive it.
My parents live in village. I frequently on a visit at them.
What about you? What you most of all like in your life?
I shall wait your answer and certainly new photos too!
Have good day

Yours friend Julia

Finalmente, hace escasos minutos he contestado a Julia. Esta es el último mensaje que me he cruzado con ella.

Hi, Julia!

I’m glad that you answered so fast.

I like reading your emails, they are full of joy and happiness. You know, sometimes, when I talk to women, I feel like I am talking to a robot. But, at last, I have found somebody who is not.

My day was quite the same as always. I did the laundry, I cooked my lunch (a typical spanish dish called “Lefa en tu puta cara”, which is something like rice with meatballs), I went to the school, I kicked some kids ass (in Spain is still legal to hit the kids if they behave badly… Is it in Russia?), at night I met my friends at the top of a mountain, in order to watch UFO’s… You know, same as always.

You tell me that you work as a librarian. That’s great! Do you have spanish literature? Maybe you have some spanish bestsellers, such us “Manda un saludo a Pajasmentales, perra”, by Camilo José Cela. If you have the chance, you should read it.

You said that you were waiting for new photos, which is weird, because I didn’t send you any. If you are still interested, just ask!

I hope you write soon,

Yo creo que esta puede ser la definitiva. La mujer que me va a quitar de las pajas. En cuanto reciba respuesta, seguiré informando.

32 comentarios

  1. You’re such a motherfucker! You filthy liar, don’t dare to come to Moscow or I’ll break your legs.
    Anyway you’re still hot.

  2. me has sacado un par de carcajadas, kurioso.

  3. Que el programa te pague el viaje con un cámara para conocerla… o para captar tu secuestro para la posteridad.

  4. Jeje! Me recuerda a una historía que le escuché en una charla a Joan Fontcuberta en la que matuvo un intercambio de mails “nigerianos” con un supuesto Capitán Hook, que luego se degradó al siguiente mail a sargento y que quería compartir una millonada de dolares que se había encontrado en Irak.
    La verdad es que era una historia hilarante. Él se hizo pasar por un prelado de la Sagrada Familia y al final de toda la historia el timador se enfadó porque descubrió que estaba siendo timado.

  5. bueno, bueno, a ver hasta dónde llegas con esta chica, no? pinta muy bien. Felicidades.

  6. “Hi Lucio, I think I am in love with you. We should meet and marry soon. My light hair is not gonna last for ever”

    Creo que estoy celosa… Tomàs.

  7. No me hagas mucho caso, pero creo que quiere rabo.


    «a typical spanish dish called “Lefa en tu puta cara”» BRUTAL

  9. Ets molt gran tomàs…

  10. primero la chiquilla tiene que aprender a escribir…

  11. Me estoy imaginando a la tal Julia googleando “Lefa en tu puta cara recipe”

  12. Tomás CRACK

  13. Esta tarde iré a la fnac a preguntar por ese libro… Eres grande!!

  14. Ahí, promoviendo la gastronomía y la literatura de España en el extranjero, como tiene que ser. Tú sí que eres un hombre de bien para tu país, de los que ya no hay.

  15. Mierda puta! Sólo a ti te pasan cosas interesantes…

  16. Sabias que esos mail-bots están llevos d virus? infectan con sólo leerlos. estoi hablando en serio.

  17. Eres un tío suertudo, ya se te ve.

  18. sempre em fas riure molt.
    quina merda que se m’hagin adelantat. volia ser jo la teva amiga por correspondencia.

  19. que partidon de caja por dios

  20. tomàs, li has donat falses esperances a aquesta noia. és normal que ara et vulgui trencar les cames. Has jugat amb el seu cor de fulana online. L’hauries de compensar enviant-li una slinky o algo.

  21. Creo que la tal Julia es captadora de gente para traficar con sus órganos, según veo en la web de Interpol …

  22. Tú hermana se va a poner celosa.

    • Tu

  23. Si quieres terminar de conquistarla, envíale ya mismo una foto del Fari, ese gran ladrón de corazones y mejor taxista…


  24. que grande eres crack!!!

  25. En mi trabajo siempre le mandamos los correos de la rusa que busca amistad a un abuelo que tenemos. Es especialmente gracioso porque su mujer trabaja allí, después decimos no saber nada del tema y le monta unos pollos tremendos.

    Duerme en la bañera cada dos por tres.

  26. […] Las Pajasmentales de cap0 « Mi novia rusa (I) Mi novia rusa (ii) 20 Septiembre, 2010 Tal y como dije en mi último post, me he echado […]

  27. Es un bot. ¡Cuidadín!

    • Bueno, nadie es perfecto… pero tu tampoco eres quien como para interponerse en tan ardorosa relacion, la envidia te corroe!!

  28. Joder, estoy en el curro y no puedo parar de reir, deberia estar marcado como NSFW!

  29. […] de mi novia rusa no funcionó. Sin embargo, no cejo en mi empeño en conocer gente vía mail. Mis amigos dicen que […]

  30. ufff tengo cuidado as visto a esa chica por la cam??? estas seguro de que realmente es ella la que escribe y no una mafia del este que busca sacarte la pasta o los riñones ,, ten cuidado brother


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